Phone Surveyor: Thank you for agreeing to take our consumer survey. I will ask you a series of brief questions concerning your grocery shopping habits, and then I will send you a free $50 Shoppers Food Warehouse voucher…. Okay. Hold on. Let me just get this stuff all ready…. Here we are. First question, “On average, how many times per week do you visit Shoppers Food Warehouse?”
Me: Um, zero.
Phone Surveyor: Okay. Second question, “What are the top three products you usually purchase at Shoppers Food Warehouse?”
Me: I’ve never been to Shoppers Food Warehouse.
Phone Surveyor: Right. You said that already. The next question here is, now, this looks like multiple choice. Is that okay?
Me: Sure
Phone Surveyor: “When you visit Shoppers Food Warehouse, what are the factors? (a) Price, (b) Location, (c) Customer Service, (d) Our Award-Winning Organics Section.”
Me: I have never been to a Shoppers Food Warehouse.
Phone Surveyor: Are you serious?
Me: Yes.
Phone Surveyor: I don’t understand.
Me: I don’t think there’s a Shoppers Food Warehouse anywhere around here.
Phone Surveyor: But, you’re on the service area call list.
Me: I don’t know what to tell you.
Phone Surveyor: Okay, see, the problem is I don’t get paid unless these surveys are completed. So…
Me: I’m not sure how I can help you then.
Phone Surveyor: Could we just complete the survey?
Me: As long as it’s okay that my answers are all “no” and “never.”
Phone Survey: That is actually not okay. The survey will be incomplete, and I won’t get paid. And you, of course, won’t get your $50 Shoppers Food Warehouse voucher.
Me: I don’t shop at Shoppers Food Warehouse
Phone Surveyor: I heard you already!
Silence
Phone Survey: I’m sorry
Me: That’s okay. I think I might have to hop off the phone now.
Phone Surveyor: Wait. I have an idea. Could you lie? Just to complete the survey?
Me: You mean like, say I shop at Shoppers Food Warehouse and stuff?
Phone Surveyor: Yeah. No one will know.
Me: I won’t wind up on some junk mail list?
Phone Surveyor: No. Ready for the next question?
Me: I guess.
Phone: “When it comes to grocery bonus rewards programs, how alluring is Shoppers Food Warehouse’s ‘Double Coupons Every Day Limit Four Identical Coupons Per Person’ feature? (a) Very, (b) Somewhat, (c) Slightly, (d) Not at all.”
Me: How alluring is it?
Phone Surveyor: Yes. Just answer the question. “Very, Somewhat, Slightly or Not at all?”
Me: Somewhat?
Phone Surveyor: How about “Very?”
Me: Okay, Very.
Phone Surveyor: Thank you. Next question…