[A well-to-do older gentleman exits a candle-lit counting house into the snowy London street and calls out to a young lad throwing snowballs.]
Old Man: You, boy!
Young Lad: Yes, Guv’nah?
Old Man: Do you know that goose in the window of McBobble’s shop?
Young Lad: Ya mean the one as big as me, sah?
Old Man: The exact one, indeed. I want you to without let or hindrance purchase it and take it to the home of Mr. Bob Cratchit. And make haste, my boy!
[The Old Man pulls out a coin purse from his waistcoat and extracts several coins.]
Old Man: This should cover the goose, and here, with my compliments of the season…
[He removes another coin and places it firmly in the fingerless-gloved hand of the Young Lad, smiling with warm and agreeable affectation.]
Old Man: Keep this half a crown for yourself.
Young Lad: Affaclown, sah!
Old Man: Yes, indeed. Half a crown. Be off with you, lad!
Young Lad: Blymie!
[The Young Lad examines the coin.]
Young Lad: Aff… uh… clown, sir. A good bit o’ cash, this?
Old Man: By Jove it is! Half a crown is a considerable sum. Now be on your tidy way, wee one.
Young Lad: Rightaway, your lordship!
[He turns, ogling the coin, but stops.]
Young Lad: With this coin I shall be able to acquire me-self something special this season, sah.
Old Man: You absolutely shall.
Young Lad: Like, if ya don’t mind me askin’, your worship sir, what can one purchase, you know, with affaclown you reckon?
Old Man: Well, I — it’s a — I mean, I would assume you could, I don’t know, buy a house in the Cotswolds or a herd of sheep with it. It’s quite a bit of money, my dear lad, so off with you to McBotchitt’s Goose Emporium forthwith!
Young Lad: A house in the Cotswolds? With this little coin?
Old Man: Well, perhaps I exaggerate slightly. Let’s allow that you could procure yourself a hot meal this blistery evening and a mug or two of beer, perhaps.
Young Lad: I’m twelve.
Old Man: Hot cocoa, then. Look, you can probably get a nice shirt or some new gloves. Some muslin.
Young Lad: One more question, yer ‘onnah. Just trying to get a sense, see. I’m wonderin’, now, would I get any change back after purchasing said gloves, sah? Usin’ this here coin?
Old Man: Most certainly!
Young Lad: What kind of change would I get back from this coin? A bunch of smaller little coins?
Old Man: [Digs in his coin purse] I actually don’t know for sure, let me look and see if there are different sizes — [suddenly] Now look, laddie, if you don’t hot-step it to McDiddleton’s Mesquite BBQ Hut, I shall employ the services of another street boy.
Young Lad: [Losing the cockney accent slightly] So you’re telling me that I can walk into a public house, sit at the counter, order bangers and new potatoes and green beans covered with gravy and a steak and kidney pie alongside a hot mug of cider and when the bill comes around with a straight face I can hand the barman this little coin?
Old Man: Well, I am certain …. Do you normally eat that much at dinnertime? …. The answer I would say is yes. Possibly with some change.
Young Lad: Whole thing sounds a little fishy.
Old Man: Enough! If you don’t scurry down this meandering thoroughfare this instant and purchase the large goose in the window of McGillicutty’s Hooka House of Hash I will procure another toe-headed tyke to perform these services in your stead.
Young Lad: Okay, fine.
[The Young Lad returns the coins to the old man and stands aside to watch.]
Old Man: [Calls out to a passerby] You, boy!
Crotchety Old Woman: I’m not a boy.
Old Man: My deepest apologies, milady.
Crotchety Old Woman: What do you want?
Old Man: Nothing, madam. Simply to offer you the compliments of the season.
Young Lad: He’s looking for someone to run eight blocks to buy an enormous goose then haul it all the way to Bob Cratchit’s place for half a crown.
Crotchety Old Woman: Half a crown?
Old Man: Please, milady, pay no heed to this uncouth street yob. I wish you the merriest of seasons and please to carry on.
[He tips his hat and begins to look around for another boy.]
Crotchety Old Woman: Half a crown won’t buy you jack squat.
Young Lad: That’s what I said.
Old Man: You can both go take a flying leap.
THE END
