B Brandon Barker

A Supreme Fiction

Brandon — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 22:02:43 +0000

Years ago, during talk show television’s Golden Age, I sat down with my father to watch his appearance that week on the Jerry Springer Show. Invariably in these programs, the circus surrounding the subject matter–e.g. miracle cures, mass hysteria, people who can’t throw away newspapers–is summoned to earth by a dour expert, like a doctor, a lawyer, a life coach, who shows up at the end and ruins all the fun. In this episode, devoted to men who have secret second families, my dad–a pubic affairs consultant–was the expert.

Read the full post at Sundayed.

Pesky, the Excitable Boy

Brandon — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 15:24:26 +0000

Shoppers Food Warehouse

Brandon — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 16:05:53 +0000

Phone Surveyor: Thank you for agreeing to take our consumer survey. I will ask you a series of brief questions concerning your grocery shopping habits, and then I will send you a free $50 Shoppers Food Warehouse voucher…. Okay. Hold on. Let me just get this stuff all ready…. Here we are. First question, “On average, how many times per week do you visit Shoppers Food Warehouse?”

Me: Um, zero.

Phone Surveyor: Okay. Second question, “What are the top three products you usually purchase at Shoppers Food Warehouse?”

Me: I’ve never been to Shoppers Food Warehouse.

Phone Surveyor: Right. You said that already. The next question here is, now, this looks like multiple choice. Is that okay?

Me: Sure

Phone Surveyor: “When you visit Shoppers Food Warehouse, what are the factors? (a) Price, (b) Location, (c) Customer Service, (d) Our Award-Winning Organics Section.”

Me: I have never been to a Shoppers Food Warehouse.

Phone Surveyor: Are you serious?

Me: Yes.

Phone Surveyor: I don’t understand.

Me: I don’t think there’s a Shoppers Food Warehouse anywhere around here.

Phone Surveyor: But, you’re on the service area call list.

Me: I don’t know what to tell you.

Phone Surveyor: Okay, see, the problem is I don’t get paid unless these surveys are completed. So…

Me: I’m not sure how I can help you then.

Phone Surveyor: Could we just complete the survey?

Me: As long as it’s okay that my answers are all “no” and “never.”

Phone Survey: That is actually not okay. The survey will be incomplete, and I won’t get paid. And you, of course, won’t get your $50 Shoppers Food Warehouse voucher.

Me: I don’t shop at Shoppers Food Warehouse

Phone Surveyor: I heard you already!

Silence

Phone Survey: I’m sorry

Me: That’s okay. I think I might have to hop off the phone now.

Phone Surveyor: Wait. I have an idea. Could you lie? Just to complete the survey?

Me: You mean like, say I shop at Shoppers Food Warehouse and stuff?

Phone Surveyor: Yeah. No one will know.

Me: I won’t wind up on some junk mail list?

Phone Surveyor: No. Ready for the next question?

Me: I guess.

Phone: “When it comes to grocery bonus rewards programs, how alluring is Shoppers Food Warehouse’s ‘Double Coupons Every Day Limit Four Identical Coupons Per Person’ feature? (a) Very, (b) Somewhat, (c) Slightly, (d) Not at all.”

Me: How alluring is it?

Phone Surveyor: Yes. Just answer the question. “Very, Somewhat, Slightly or Not at all?”

Me: Somewhat?

Phone Surveyor: How about “Very?”

Me: Okay, Very.

Phone Surveyor: Thank you. Next question…

Love Over Gold

Brandon — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 10:31:03 +0000

In Das Rheingold, the prelude of Richard Wagner’s Der Ring des Nibelungen opera cycle—at 17 hours, the world’s largest work of art—the story opens with three water nymphs guarding a pile of magic gold that, if made into a ring, would bestow upon its owner total world domination for a nominal fee: One must first renounce love. A lecherous dwarf named Alberich does the math, renounces love, takes the gold and winds up marrying a Paraguayan soccer fan. To this day, he has no regrets.

Read the full article here at Sundayed.

The Minister of Culture

Brandon — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 14:04:53 +0000

Upon hearing that The Faces—the legendary, roots-rock band that lost musicians to the Who, the Rolling Stones and to the unfortunate worldwide phenomenon known as Rod Stewart—would be re-uniting this fall for a series of concerts with Simply Red singer Mike Hucknall replacing Rod Stewart, a question suddenly occurred to me.

Why?

Read the full post here at Sundayed.

Student-Teacher Relationships

Brandon — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 17:20:41 +0000

My friend Page Thomas on Let’s Talk Live!

Reading Group Discussion Questions

Brandon — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 12:46:42 +0000

Reading Group Discussion Questions

by B. Brandon Barker

1. The novel’s title is one of the most provocative in recent memory, promising mystery, intrigue and scandal. How does such an intriguing title juxtapose what turns out to be a relatively boring and corny story that lacks interesting characters?

2. The dominant, underlying force of the novel is Will and Fiona’s relationship and its baffling contradictions, inexplicable bitterness and self-renewing family gym membership. Discuss their marriage. Discuss their children. Discuss their pets. Help yourself to more Sauvingnon Blanc.

3. What kind of person is Justice Reginald T. Johnson, Jr.? Did you like him? Were you a little unnerved by his gigantic handlebar moustache? Oh, wait. That’s another book.

4. Myron plays a crucial role in the plot, appearing near the end of the story and ruining everyone’s carefully arranged plans. Why does he refuse to apologize to Will’s uncle Rob, and what is the significance of him getting stuck inside the giant inflatable snow globe?

5. Think of a number between 1 and 450. Nope.

6. When Mona and Karen finally arrive at Fiona’s baby shower, they impose themselves upon an existing conversation about Radon, causing an irreversible chain of events. As in many of his previous novels, the author explores aggressive human impulses that result in crippling episodes of remorse, alienation and regret. Come to think of it, this author also has a thing for paunchy clarinet players with line-dancing addictions, and there are at least three instances of Olympic curling. You know, I totally forgot the question.

7. What is up with that thing?

8. Will builds a meditation labyrinth in the back yard to deal with his affliction. Even though we don’t have problems like Will’s, do we need “rituals,” like meditation labyrinths, to help us deal with our sorrows and suffering? Nah.

9. Does Will’s uncle Rob talk a little too much about Frank Zappa? I don’t know. Seemed like it.

10. Discuss the book in terms of structure, tone, voice, perspective, flashbacks and other literary devices. Actually, hold on, it’s getting late.

Hilarious Outtakes

Brandon — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 12:32:23 +0000

Hilarious Outtakes

by B. Brandon Barker

“A Beautiful Mind”

[Russell Crowe sits at his desk reading the newspaper. Jennifer Connelly brings him a glass of water. She drops two pink pills on the newspaper.]

Jennifer Connelly: I’m going to bed.

Russell Crowe: Goodnight. [Unable to keep a straight face, he snorts loudly.]

Jennifer Connelly: [Starts laughing uncontrollably]

“Walk the Line”

[Joaquin Phoenix, disheveled, stumbles to the telephone. Shooter Jennings sits by the window, strumming a guitar.]

Joaquin Phoenix: Hey, did June call? Waylon! Did June Call? Woman won’t return my damn calls.

Shooter Jennings: They disconnected it yesterday.

Joaquin Phoenix: [After a pause, he breaks into uncontrollable laughter.]

Shooter Jennings: [Looking around] What did I say?

[The entire set howls with laughter.]

“Last of the Mohicans”

[Daniel Day-Lewis pleads with Chief Sachem of the Huron Nation to spare the lives of Madeleine Stowe and Jodhi May, both in the capture of Wes Studi.]

Daniel Day-Lewis: Wise one, the French fathers made peace and swore to their honor not to break the friendship. Magua broke it. It is false that the French would not be friends, still, to the Huron.

Wes Studi: Ha! It made our French father happy to never have to fight the same Yengeese again. He told me this without telling me this.

Daniel Day-Lewis: So the Huron are the servants of the French? To do what the French are shamed to do?

Wes Studi: No. Huron serve no one. The French father believes he fooled Magua bec-because, blah. Whoops! [He succumbs to a spastic fit of laughter.]

Daniel Day-Lewis: [Walks out of the frame, laughing like a maniac]

- B. Brandon Barker 2010

Social Networking Tips

Brandon — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 13:07:38 +0000

Here’s my friend Douglas E. Winter–author of the incomparable novel RUN–discussing the dangers of rampant, unfiltered, senseless Facebooking:

http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpp/mornings/social-networking-safety-tips-030110

Don’t Feed the Animals

Brandon — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 01:59:31 +0000

Late last year I had the opportunity to hear, live, some of the songs from Shooter Jennings’ new album, ‘Black Ribbons,’ with the relatively new lineup of Ted Russell Kamp, Bryan Keeling, John Schreffler, Jr. and Bobby Emmett. The album comes out Tuesday.

From the Washington Post:

“His new album, ‘Black Ribbons,’ feels in tune with the rebel spirit of his father — but certainly not the sound. Arriving Tuesday, it’s a wildly ambitious, 70-minute rock opus splicing heavy-metal bombast with freedom-rock harmonies. There are pulsing synthesizers and Allman Brotherly guitar solos. There are songs about fame and Armageddon. There are backup vocals from Colter and skits narrated by novelist Stephen King. It feels like a country album mutated into something darker, even vicious.

‘I think the whole thing is a metaphor for how hard it’s been to get my voice heard,’ Jennings says of the album he’s been laboring over since 2008. ‘Whether it’s a success or not, at the end of the day I know that I didn’t play by anyone’s expectations. This is the anti-expectations album.’ ”

http://blog.washingtonpost.com/clicktrack/2010/02/shooter_takes_aim_toting_a_mix.html