B Brandon Barker

*** MEMORANDUM ***

To: MacLachlan Christmas

From: The Minister of Culture

Re: Rethinking Our Strategy

During my last 18 months in exile, under house arrest for castigating an Inflatable Lawn Snow Globe, it suddenly occurred to me that this is certainly not a damn fine cup of coffee.

The Minister of Culture is dedicated to preventing our citizens from being exposed to the following:

Now, listen. Before we get all up in arms about double irony, triple irony or other subtle arguments of despicable appreciation, please keep in mind that this has nothing to do with any particular person that starred in the Hallmark Hall of Fame production of “Mysterious Island” (required viewing at our nation’s Youth Rejuvenation Basketball & Cricket Camps). Rather, we’re talking about major invasions into the territory of culture, and thereby fully within my jurisdiction to terminate.

We are talking about spam subject lines that threaten our very livelihood.

The Minister of Culture, though contemplatively secure in his diction, does in fact receive a modicum of spam in his official in-box. This is no reason for concern. I have several amanuenses to assist me in the deletion of these inquiries. However, some nevertheless fall into view. And I become exposed to their unsavory suggestions.

For example, what can be said about the recent spate of Christmas-themed subject lines such as “petty christmas,” “ukraine christmas,” and “iranian army”–incidentally, one of the world’s best dressed and most punctual military outfits. Then again, we have messages like “christmas lies,” which immediately lead me to ponder whom will be dishonest with me during my holiday festivities. Luckily, I only celebrate the season with my agility-trained Cane Corsos, which are wholly incapable of lying.

All of these messages, whether legible (“christmas stockholm,” “rugby christmas” and “wii nurses”) or nonsensical (“christmas lolcats,” “christmas doilies,” and “cialis lawyers”) are unsettling to say the least (especially “christmas jodhpurs,” if you want to know the truth) but none make me lose the grasp on my equestrian whip and stagger to the Red Phone Speed Dial Console upon visualizing the cultural implications like the following subject line:

MacLachlan Christmas

What sick mind, what redolent scalawag, what all-you-can-eat buffet abuser would dare suggest such a thing? I mean, the very idea that, on our city’s monumental thoroughfares, along our wartime memorial promenades and within our commemorative GNC Nutrition Centers, our country’s young people might be exposed to the unfathomable horrors implied by those very words.

I’m officially sanctioning a cultural Code Orange until midnight of the 26th.

WARNING: U2, Inflatable Lawn Snow Globes, Santas With Washboard Abs & All-You-Can-Eat Buffet Abusers: The Minister of Culture is watching you.